The Pennsylvania-Vermont Ocean
Saturday * : AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Why did I think that some dinosaurs can be good? *'Dinosaur': You racist! * : Wait, you can understand my language? *'Dinosaur': ROAR! * : Then stop chasing me! [The dinosaur disappears into thin air.] * : Well, this is a dream after all. Wait … if this is a dream, then I must not be in the forest! And I must really be at home! [She wakes up in the forest.] * : Ah! * : What's wrong? * : Oh, nothing, just remembering that dad took us on a nature trip. * : Yeah, a horrible, itchy nature trip. * : Nature … gross. [Meanwhile, with the boys.] * : The girls are still sleeping? Wow! And they let the guys do all the work … * : What a catastrophe! * : That's not exactly true; I heard Yaretzi get out of her tent saying, "I want'ee, daddy, I want'ee". * : That wasn't Yaretzi, that was your mother. * : Wait. Pen, why does she call you "Daddy" and I don't? * : Because she has more respect for him than you've ever?That may not be the thing that she meant. … Just conducting I mean, conjecturing! [A small figure passes within the focal viewpoint.] * : Omg! * : What? Is one of the Gang members here? * : No, it's probably one of the scariest animals I've ever seen! [The "scariest animal" is a regular-sized bear.] * : Yikes. Y'know, I've seen those before. * : Well get them out of your head! * : Dang! * : Chavo, this is no time for games, we have to alert the others! [They run off, leading into the theme song.] Monday * : Some bear attack, eh? * : I guess, but luckily we're all fine … mostly. [Ximena is breathing heavily.] * : Mona, you can stop now! There's no more bear. * : Yeah, in the real world! * : Oh, it's 7:20 now. * : So? * : I have to leave, as in, right now. * : Fer wot? * : Remember that modelling contract that nice lady gave to me at Wal-Mart? * : She wasn't a nice lady. * : She was practically throwing sticks at us! * : Language, Saye … don' make me use the tip jar. * : Well, I've got to leave for a press interview. * : Ain't yer job at the Embassy bad enough? * : Yeah, but they gave me a day off for it! Anyways, I've … got to leave right now. Bye! [Exit Pen.] * : Kids, ye'd better go so you won' be late fer school. * : But it's late start! * : No, it isn't! * : It will be never start if you don't be quiet. * : Well, I suggest thet'ee go righ' now before I blow a fuse of all profanity posterity! [Exeunt omnes.] * : Thet scenic ! * : Did any of you do last night's science homework? * : Earth science? * : Um, I was talking about health science. * : Sorry, I was too busy. * : Doing what? * : Oh, y'know … making stuff. * : Wait, you make stuff? * : Guys, important confession. * : You invent as well? * : Nope! I've never spoken directly to a person from Oceania. * : Look in front of you, Canada. * : Yeah! * : Speaking of Canada, have any of you seen a bear last Sunday? * : [laughing] Bear? * : Dude, I haven't seen a bear, nor would I want to. * : I never even knew you were into that! * : Yeah, I'd except your Aunt Match do find that as her favourite thing to see on the Internet and all, but … [seeing everyone look at him] … so what do you think of an inventors' club? * : Inventors' club? * : Yeah! We just make a club at this school that meets at a certain time, and we just invent things! What do you say? * : I'm in! * : Sounds cool. * : It's a yes from me. * : Wait. What about the Grade 7 Club Applicator? * : [walking by] Done. * : Wait, you really approve of our club? * : Θure thing, juθt aθ long aθ you let me in, beθt buddieθ! * : Yay! * , , , : Yay … * : [hurrying to class] Gotta hurry, can't be late … [A student in a bear mask intercepts his path. Javier screams.] *'Bearmask': ROAR! * : Oh my curse-word! *'Bearmask': Be a man and face your fears! * : No! I do not condone perpetuation of gender stereotypes! *'Bearmask': Then you have a horrible father! Prepare to be schmozzled! * : Schmozzled? What is that supposed to mean? *'Bearmask': I don't know, you horrible bender!It is an episode of bullying, so the derogatory name is used in such a context. [Javier runs off in tears.] * : Good morning, sir, what may your intentions be here? * : I was, er, supposed to be here with an interview. * : Oh my God, you're Pen Schreiber! * : Yes, the General Pen Schreiber is who I am. * : Right in the flesh? No way, no wonder they invited you here! You know, you're probably one of the most popular members of the community of [A mystical door opens, leaving a bright light in the doorway. Enter Sirloin, the manager.] * : Good afternoon. It sure is a pleasure to meat you. * : [laughing a bit] Hello, I was scheduled for a 12:00 interview? * : Then I'm your buccan! My name is Sir. Sirloin. * : May I refer to you as Sir? * : Salami no problem with it. So, I have gone over your portfolio, and it seems as if you have … zero credentials. * : Really, sir? Truthfully, I am more surprised that they gave me a portfolio than that I have no credentials. Did they know I was to be a model? * : Have you heard the fashion t-''rind''s, Pen? * : Not exactly. * : Well, uniforms of Kenyan military officers have come back in style recently, and you're their poster child. * : How have uniforms come back in style? * : Sorry if you didn't hear me … they've come bacon style. See what I did there? * : Yeah, I see what you did, sir. More meat puns. But uniforms are not meant for civilians! I'm sorry, but your sense of fashion is just inspiring a generation of walts. * : You don't undercook, just sign for me! Don't you want your looks to be exploited admired by so many people? * : Please, people admire my looks already! Am I not stunning? * : Why else do you think we invited you here? Can't you see it already … "They want Pen! They want Pen!" [Pen, for a second, imagines a crowd of people, all chanting "We want Pen!"] * : I'll do it! See ya, Sirloin! * : Hold on. You still need to sign this paper to fill out the information for the presses, and have it done by Wednesday. * : What is this, high school? Wait, if we're role playing, who's going to be the jock and who's going to be the spoiled rich kid … wait, I'll be both! * : Have it your way, General. And good beef, Pen-ison! [Exit Sirloin. Pen looks over the paper, growing more concerned.] * : You're angry today. What's going on? * : Oh, nothin'. Jus' dirtyin' the dishes in the same way thet you dirtied my soul … Why'd'ee have to get another job where y'model fer other people? * : Penc … [he places a hand on her back] Can't you see it? Me, on that big stage thingy, and all those other people saying "We want Pen! We want Pen!" * : Ah, yeah they want'ee. To shut up! * : Wait, how'd you know that I got the job? * : Ye didn't think I don' follow Sirloin on Uso, yeah? Pen, I'm worried about this, 'e actually called you "beef". * : Yeah, his taste of humour is meaty. [A hand comes in and slaps.] * : Ow! Hey, I didn't say "Needy"! [He gets slapped again. Enter most of the kids.] * : Hi, Dad! * : Hi, Dad! * : Hi, Dad! * : Hi, Dad! * : Hi, Dad! * : Hi, Dad! * : Hi, Daddy! * : Sup. * : Chavo! * : Wow, what was that for? * : We were worried that you'd fail the interview and never become a beauty king or whatever-the-thing's-called, so we constructed a "hi-train" for you! * : Wow, thet's sweet! * : Hey, where's Javier? [Enter Javier with little emotion on his face.] * : Salutations, father. * : Salutations, father? I expected a lot more enthusiasm! * : Just please, let it go. [He runs up to his room, and the sound of crying follows. Pen goes upstairs with him.] * : Avi? What's wrong? * : Nothing, go downstairs and revel that you became a model. * : You follow Sirloin too? I mean, tell me what's going on. I'm able to listen to anything calmly and will suit your needs in any way possible. * : Okay. [sigh] Dad, remember when I got scared of that bear last Sunday? * : Yeah. What happened, did the bear go into your classroom and destroy the school supplies? * : Worse! Apparently this guy at school found about my fear, and he made fun of me about it! * : Tell me more … * : Aren't you going to tell me to face my fears and be a man? * : [sigh] I could. But I'm not going to. * : Then you're a bad father. * : What? Who told you that? * : I told you, the guy at school did! * : He called me that, and not you? Avi, there's nothing to worry about. If he insults your old man, tell him that he hasn't seen what kind of Army General your father really is, and he will shut up. [gets up] * : He also called me a "horrible bender". [All signals go off in Pen's head.] * : WHAT did he call you? * : I- I can't say it again … * : We'd better get this beaten over with, and get it done now! * : Dad, what's the big deal? I thought you said it was over. * : Well, it isn't anymore! Come on, Avi, we have to go. [They leave through the back door.] * : Sio, dear, ain't'ee goin' ter eat with us? * : Oops! I forgot … [he sits with them] * : So, who's got some interestin' news to share from school? * : I got three discipline stars! * : Omg, wot did'ee do? * : No, they're actually stars for good discipline! * : Yeah, it's me with the bad discipline. [The phone rings.] * : I've got it! * : Who's'ee? * : It's Sharpener. [he picks it up] Hey! … No, I don't have it yet. … Which materials should I use? … Okay, thanks. B [to the others] What a savage! * : Huh? * : He didn't say goodbye before hanging up! [Awkward silence.] * : Kay, how 'bout we eat now? * : Good idea! * : Yay, food! * : Goo! : Aye, well to be hones' with'ee, thanks acos I made yer favourite corned beef pot roast an' the mboga ye asked fer a bit before. * : Yay! * : What? I hate mboga! * : The way mum made them is wonderful! Just a little bit of salt, and that fresh taste! * : Whatever.}} * : Excuse me, but has anyone purchased a bear mask recently? * : I'd better look into myself to find the last time that a bear mask was purchased! [He looks in himself briefly.] * : Ah, I see. The last time someone had purchased one of our bear costumes was on November 15th … * : That's perfect! * : It was just this Saturday! * : … of 1956. * : Thank you very much. [Exit Pen and Javier.] * : What was that all about, Dad? * : We need clues to find out where that guy was so I can make sure that he doesn't see the dark of night ever again! * : Dad, what's the big deal? I told you my problem, and I feel about 2% better. Can we just go home now? * : Absolutely not. What just happened to you is more serious than you thought; this needs to be taken into the hands of a man. * : But— * : I'll search myself using brute force all of the houses in Africa with people who own bear masks, and I won't stop until … won't stop … until … [he falls down, asleep] * : [sigh] I'll go buy a wagon … * : You're getting sleepy, you're getting sleepy … * : [sleeping] Of course I'm sleeping … * : I'm your worst nightmare! * : No, don't make it a nightmare … * : I'm going to eat you! * : N- no, don't eat me, I'm not kosher … [The commotion wakes up the other girls.] * : W- what's going on? * : Yeah, some people need our beauty sleep! * : Er … Yaretzi, water? [Yaretzi takes the water on the nightstand and drinks it.] * : Oh, give me that! [Zorah takes the water bottle and spills it onto Zorah's bed.] * : [still sleeping] Thank you, waterfall, you killed the monster. * : Dang it! Tuesday * : And now, the first day of the Inventors' Club commends! Will I take attendence? * : That's a silly question, you're the club leader so you're mandatory to take attendance. * : Alright, then! Sio? * : Here! * : Sharpener? * : Here! * : Shieldy? * : I am here … * : Map? * : In this location. * : And I am— * : Ooh! Wait, you haven't called me yet! I'm a member of this club, right, beθt buddieθ? I'm here! UÞB iθ here! Preθent! * : —here. * : Do you have a plan? * : Well, this is the Inventors' Club, so I've booked us all into the Great School Make-Off tomorrow! * : What's that? * : It's where all of the inventors' clubs in the school compete to see who makes the best invention! * : So you mean to say that there's more than one inventors' club in our school? * : Of courθe! I regiθtered them all aθ Inventorθ' Clubθ too! * : So, why'd you join ours? * : Becauθe everyone elθe rejected me! Nobody'θ acθepted me into their group, and I've floated around variouθ clubθ in thiθ θchool. I think thiθ may be my only hope left. * : Oh … * : Aww! * : But you're smiling about it all! 's everything okay? * : Oh, that? That'θ becauθe I'm alwayθ happy! Yaaaaaay! [laughs almost hysterically] * : Okay, USB, you are now officially accepted into the club! * : Thank you θo mutθh! * : La-di-da-di-doo … [The guy with the bear mask appears, intercepting Javier's path again.] *'Bearmask': Javier, you fitch! See, I called you a mix of the two words you hate the most! * : I'm not listening, and I don't care. Now if you excuse me, I've got to get to cl— [Bearmask kicks him, and no response is elicited.] *'Bearmask': You don't feel it? Then maybe I should kick a little harder, and— * : Hold it right there! *'Bearmask': Huh? * : Dad? What are you doing here, I told you that I don't need help! * : Well, I'm using the allotted time frame that the Headmistress gave me to take the time and tell this— * : Wait, how did you get GBGB to let you in? [In the Headmistress's Office.] * : [happily counting] 96,000 … 97,000 … 98,000 … [In the hall.] * : Good thing you're not attracting a crowd, I mean, old people wander these halls all the time! [A crowd forms around the scene, the crowd including some of his own kids, and being the 2010s, most people have recording devices out.] * : Omg, let's go … my dad is here. * : Kay-kay! * : I follow! [Exeunt.] * : Old? I'm only 24! *'Bearmask': [afraid] Your father is really o- old. * : Oh yeah! It's the floating problem that's known as [looking down] you. I'm going to need you to take off your bear mask so I can report you to the authorities. *'Bearmask': Never! * : Are you going to beat him to the minisculity that he is? * : Yes, son, I am going to beat him … [the crowd gasps] … with words! *'Bearmask': How w- weak! * : [sitting down] Whoever you are … please don't use those words against my son. I know exactly what you said to him, and those are derogatory terms that should never be used when speaking to another person. You may not have offended my son, but you've offended me. Now take your mask off. *'Bearmask': Fine. [He takes off his mask, and the person underneath it is revealed to be Salvador. The crowd gasps, and then sporadic chatter about the expectedness of the situation occurs followed by the multitude's dispersion.] * : S- S- … Salvador … my own son … * : Pen, I can totally explain! * : Explain what? That you've been using words of hatred and terrorising your own brother? * : But— * : Hey, rich visitor! Your time's up. * : Let's go. [Pen goes, followed by Salvador.] * : Ugh, you all! * : Good thing that's over. * : You're getting sleepy … you're getting sleepy … water? * : Here you go! * : Now, here is a waterfall that can't kill that monster! Nyeh-heh-heh-heh … [The door opens. It's Pencil.] * : Oi, wot's goin' on 'ere? * : Um, we're playing a fun game called "Waterfall"! * : Actually, Zorah's been trying to scare Ximena! * : And that's why she's been getting nightmares! * : Zorah, ye're doin' thet nightmare trick thing again? * : Maybe! * : Er ……… don' do'e h'again! * : I pr— * : A promise is a promise, Zorah. Jus' be glad that I can't yell acos the boys are a-sleepin'. Wednesday *'Judge #1': And what's its function? * : It makes, uhhhhhh, stuff. *'Judge #2': How long did you work on it? * : For, uhhhhhh, three seconds. [Nobody applauds.] *'Judge #1': Next! * : We're next! * : Let's not be an embarrassment to the whole school, okay? [Before the Make-Off.] Investco Great Solutions Make-Off where students will make projects that will give them the almight Coriolanus Bettman Trophy! *'Micheal Spruce': Today, we have Oubre Middle School, Springman Middle School, Clemente Junior High School and Bakinfield Elementry School. *'Ceaser Flickerman': We'll give you the action here today, but first, let's meet our judges. [The stage appears to be empty.] *'Ceaser Flickerman': Yep, that's right! Not only will we brodcast the kids live here this afternoon, but we will also be judging them! *'Micheal Spruce': All we need to do is to wish the kids good luck, then. I'm Michael Spruce ... *'Ceaser Flickerman': And I'm Ceaser Flickerman. And this is ACCESS News!}} [Present day.] *'Judge #1': And now, presenting an invention are the delegates from Ibáñez International School, group number whatever. * : And we're here to present a … * : Oh, my line? Baking soda volcano! [Sio presses a button, but it doesn't work.] * : Uθe the θtring! * : The what now? * : I haven't used anything but the force, man! * : Θtring! Θtring! Uθe the θtring! * : Okay … [He pulls the string, and the volcano erupts all over the judging room, appropriately taking the trophy with them.] *'Judge #2': Hey, you can't do that! *'Judge #1': That trophy ain't the cardboard it's worth. * : This is the greatest day of my life! * : Not fer yet father, 'e's in a state o' panic! * : What's going on? * : Go ask'e! * : Have to find it… [throws more things down] [Enter Javier, Zorah and Sio.] * : Dad, what's going on? * : I can't find it! * : What, a job? * : No, my synthesis certificate!A synthesis certificate is similar to a birth certificate in the human world, except pertaining to objects. * : Oh my gosh, that's probably the most important document needed for your life! * : Maybe you left it at Babcia and Grandpa's house! * : Maybe … I'll go, but I'm going to need to bring all of you. [Pæne exeunt Pen and nine of the children, but Pencil stops him from going.] * : Hold'e, m8. I'm not lettin'ee go anywhere else without'ee tellin' me o' wot's a-goin' on. * : Then, er, you come with me too! * : OK! * : Yeah, thanks for the money, dad! [Exeunt Match and Eraser. At the same time, adveniunt the Schreibers.] * : Oh! Penc-penc, I never expected you, like, here. * : Me neither. * : Mum, can I stay here with my BFF? * : You can, but make sure you— * : Yeah, like, thanks. * : Hey, dad, may I ask you a question? * : Sure, but don't go in; I just waxed the sofa. * : Honey, it's a fur couch, you use it in place of an animal! * : Right, dear. Come in, come in! [Intrant omnes.] * : So, what is it you want to ask me of? * : My new job wants to consult my synthesis certificate. * : What? * : You got a new job? What happened to the one at the embassy? * : Oh, I still have that. I'm just working as a model for a side job. * : A model? As in, for other people? And to think that my other son's unemployment was a bad adulthood choice … * : Kat, meli, we have a bigger problem. Pen wants a look at his synthesis certificate. * : I'll get it! * : Ooh, this is going to be so fun! * : Don't you dare say anything about it. * : Wot'n'ale's goin' on 'ere? * : We're about to find out. * : So, where'd you last put the certificate, Ari? * : Check the papers from 2002. * : Omg … * : [checking through the papers] Bills … bills … bills … Ari, you never throw away your things. * : So? Eventually they're going to have value! * : Bills … bills … a-ha! Pen's syn-cert! * : Read it aloud! Read it aloud! * : Aye, I want to know wot this fuss is. * : [reading] Thus certifieth the conception and synthesis of Penny Demetria Schreiber— * : Oh my G-d … * : —the lovely daughter of Mr Aristotelis Simeon Sofer and Mrs Diana Eleni Alexia Demetriadou, to the Synthesis Ward at the Leffingwell Hospital in Toronto, Ontario in Canada on the Second of July, 1989. * : I think there's one problem, though. * : Yeah, they called you their daughter. * : I, er … well … that's just who I am, y'know? Case closed, we're all safe, done deal. [Exit Pen and the others, leaving Pencil in disbelief.] * : Where's mum going? * : Is she all right? * : Pencil? * : Don' speak t' me, 'oever you are! * : Okay, we need to talk this … like, right now. * : Wot do y' want … * : Please don't be afraid of me. Just accept who I am and nothing will ever change. And nothing has changed, anyways. Me revealing my birth gender doesn't change who I am now! * : Aye, 't do! Now, whene'er I do, like, things ter'ee, I can't think of any o' ye the same as I could with any other guy! * : [sternly] Pencil, just because I was female-to-male doesn't mean that I'm any less man than … well, any man. Just think of all the things that I've done to save your ! * : Aye, an' I bet a million shillings thet wot I says earlier y'd definitely kill if someone else'd say'e, yeah? * : Obviously! So now, shall we kiss? * : O' course, me man … [They kiss.] * : Ready for this? * : Not again! * : Ugh, Zorah … * : What, it's not like a water bottle's being used. [she pulls a switch, and a bucket of water overturns, falling on herself] THE END Category:New episodes Category:Episodes Category:Unfinished episodes